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Single…With Children
(written by Christine Myers, President of the local PWP
Chapter)
I’m probably not much different than many women born at the
tail end of the baby boom generation.
We all watched the Brady Bunch on T.V. in prime time and had
not-so-secret crushes on the current heart throb in Tiger Beat Magazine.
We bought top ten 45’s with our allowance that we played on our
stereos with that little plastic disc in the center.
Microwave ovens, cell phones, VCRs, CD players, DVDs, and Tivo
were the stuff of science fiction.
And we all played with Barbie.
Good old Barbie. Summer Splendor Barbie, Winter Wonderland Barbie, Cowgirl
Barbie… the possibilities were endless.
With that box of naked dolls, shoes without matches, and clothes
all askew we could turn her, and thus ourselves, into anything we wanted
her to be. We all dreamed
of one day meeting the man of our dreams (a.k.a. ‘Ken’), getting
married, and living oh-so-happily-ever-after.
My score is two out of three. At 40-years-of-age and after over ten years of marriage I
find myself divorced with two children.
It turns out my ‘Ken’ wasn’t the man of my dreams. Our marriage didn’t fail through lack of effort.
Several years of marriage counseling wasn’t enough to bridge
the problems in our marriage so we made the incredibly difficult
decision to part ways. That
decision is hard enough in and of itself.
When you have children who depend on you to keep their world
secure that difficulty level is infinitely multiplied.
My two children could not be more different if they tried.
My oldest daughter is convinced that a grave mistake was made on
the day of her birth; she was supposed to be born into a very wealthy
family complete with maid, chauffeur, butler, and controlling interest
in the local shopping mall. She wants the best of the best.
The newer the better and – excuse me? – make sure that
designer label is well in sight, thank you.
Her tastes run high while our budget is low.
No matter how hard I try to get her to count her blessings, her
glass is always half empty. Despite
my best efforts I have no doubt that she will be the one who someday
gives her engagement ring back because its simply not big enough.
My youngest daughter is her arch nemesis. She’s thrilled with the simple things in life.
She’s happy with any gift and her heart is as big as the Grand
Canyon. When she was little
she cried when she saw an ambulance because she knew that someone was
hurt and that would make their mommy sad.
She tries to find the good in everything and everyone and only
wants everyone to get along. My
biggest fear is that some day she will join the Peace Corps and take
herself off to the other side of the earth.
Still, they’re happy, healthy (knock wood!), well-adjusted
little women. Giggling is
the norm. Sibling rivalry
over who’s put together the best outfit reigns supreme.
Fashion is a passion as are boys, AOL instant messaging (the
proper “I’m away” message is imperative), screaming when very
excited or very, very scared, and chocolate.
Our house is churning mass of estrogen.
We’re a family. We’re
a team. And we’re happy.
Today my girls and I are living in a world foreign to what we
were used to. Our budget is
small and barely covers the basics.
Dance lessons and the like are a thing of the past.
Luxuries are few and far between.
My girls have been forced to learn how to plan so that what they
need is at Mom’s or Dad’s house on the right day. They’re better at juggling schedules and possessions than
any CEO. They’re doing
well in school, have multitudes of friends, and are more precious to me
than life itself.
For all the signs they are happy, well-adjusted, and
thriving, I still worry. I’m
a firm believer that when a marriage is unhealthy the whole family
suffers. At the end, my
ex-husband and I were strangers merely co-existing under the same roof. While we didn’t fight, we didn’t communicate either –
good or bad. I know that
situation wasn’t doing my girls any favors.
Still, did making that break harm them?
Have I permanently scarred them?
Will they grow into women who find it difficult to form lasting
relationships or a strong marriage?
With all the media hype there is today about the consequences of
divorce (thank you, Oprah) I can’t help but wonder if my children will
look at my decision as a selfish one.
I’ve tried very hard to show them that difficult, painful
decisions have to be made sometimes but that with hard work the end
result can a positive one. I’ve
emerged on the other side of divorce a far happier, healthier, stronger,
and more confident person. Still,
when I add in all the factors and variables, I sometimes find myself on
the superhighway to Stressville, Guiltsville, and all points in between.
Not long after my ex-husband moved out, I went in search of a
group called Parents Without Partners.
I had heard of them before and thought, surely, if anyone knew
what I was going through it would be them.
I did a web search and found that there was actually a group
right in my area. I called
the number, found out when the next new member orientation was going to
be, and took myself off to the meeting – not without some
apprehension. For anyone
who has divorced, those early days are very hard.
Most of your friends tend to be married.
You find yourself no longer a part of that clique.
You’re the odd one out, the fifth wheel.
I had no idea what I would find when I walked into that first
orientation; I was hopeful yet nervous, awkward, self-conscious, and
scared out of my mind.
What I found was a caring group of people just like me.
Parents Without Partners (PWP) is an international, non-profit
organization dedicated to the needs of single parents and their
families. Whether divorced,
widowed, separated, or never married, the one thing that binds the group
is that we are all single parents.
Quite simply, I found a home.
Its a place where I wasn’t the fifth wheel.
A place where my situation was immediately understood and my
concerns and worries were taken seriously.
I no longer felt like there was something wrong with me.
Here was an entire group of people who were living my life –
successful, happy, friendly, compassionate people – who welcomed me
with open arms.
It has been three years since I walked into that first
meeting. Today I’m
President of the Capital Area Chapter of Parents Without Partners, Inc.,
proudly serving the Raleigh area of North Carolina.
Serving as chapter president is my way of giving back to this
wonderful organization. I
know it sounds clichéd but I honestly don’t know where I would be
today if I hadn’t found this incredible group of people.
I’ve made friends that I know I will have for life.
This group helped me find my way through the minefield of
divorce. There was always
someone I could ask for advice, always someone to help fill those long
days when my children were with their Dad, always someone simply to chat
with about anything and nothing. I’ve
found friends who are also rabid hockey fans (Go Canes!), friends who
share my passion for leisurely Sunday afternoons sharing the Sunday
paper over coffee, and friends who make me laugh no matter how hard my
day has been.
More importantly, my children have had the opportunity to see
that they are not alone. They’ve
met other children in the same situation as them. They see that our situation is not unique and that we will
not only survive, we’ll succeed with flying colors! Each month every PWP chapter prints a monthly newsletter with
a calendar of activities. Some
activities are for parents only, some are family activities for parents
and their children. My
children look forward to the monthly calendar of events almost as much
as I do and can’t wait to circle the things they want to do.
Some of our members have been single parents for some time,
some are newly separated and learning to adjust. Now when a new member comes to their first meeting looking a
little nervous, I’m one of the people who welcomes them and helps set
their minds at ease. The
cycle has come full circle. If you’re interested in finding a chapter
of Parents Without Partners, just go to www.parentswithoutpartners.org
and search for a chapter in your area.
If you live in the Triangle area, go to www.capitalareapwp.org
to find out when our next new member orientation is. You’ll find a caring group of people navigating the
difficult obstacle course of single parenting just like yourself.
Grab a seat, settle in, and have some fun.
We’d love to meet you… and welcome home.
Christine Myers
President, Capital Area Chapter #1349
Parents Without Partners, Inc.
919-547-4466 – Voice Mail |
